In the mornings......

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I will never know."

Groucho Marx

Every morning, in my house, my elephant climbs into my bed and I awake to various stimuli that could be thought of as mildly unpleasant. A lick on the cheek, a poke in the eye, a completely uncalled for wedgie. I hate to say that I have gotten use to these interruptions of my slumber but I have, they don't make me as pissy in the AM as they use to. (For details on the pissyness please send inquires to Paul) Some mornings Max is sweet and cute and I get the lick on the cheek with a 5 yr old "I love you", other mornings I get the wedgie (never sleep with your back to the door) and a pile driver. Unfortnately, I have not found a way to predetermine my fate and this causes me some pain and discomfort on occasion.

This morning, I was up before Max (a lucky break on any morning) and was getting ready for work after a lovely, silent and lonely shower. I enjoy the lonely part a lot. Max came to surprise me once a few months ago and threw freezing cold water on me in the shower. As the cold spot warmed with the hot shower water, I closed my eyes and went to my happy place where children of hell-raising age are banned from adult showers. Anywho, it is Monday and that means morning bath for our little rugrat.

"Nope!" was the response when Max was told his fate. "No way, no how!!" Paul tried to get him in the bath but success was not to be found. "I don't care!" was what Max told me when I said "You don't want to go to school smelling like a stinky fish."

Everytime I looked at the clock, my time to leave for work was getting closer and Paul was getting frustrated at the freakish energy that kept Max out of the tub and away from his fatherly grip. Max was in a mood to be difficult and this called for the "Treatment". Every parent has a "Treatment" that they can use to get almost anything done, mine is "OK, I will have to tickle you till you pee." "Oh no you don't!!" is Max's response as he runs to the nearest soft spot and assumes the defensive position on his back, feet in the air.

This morning he ran to my bed and, with his legs flailing, he tried to fend off my tickle hands. "Mom! What will stop the treatment?" tickle, tickle "Only water can stop the tickle hands." Max made the connection very quickly and then.....so did I. When instituting the "Treatment" caution needs to be exercised to make sure that the demands placed on the victim will result in the desired response. I will give you a moment to see if you can find the flaw in my conditions.

Please hum some appropriate theme song to bridge the concentration span of time.

I am sure that many, if not all of you, found my fatal flaw. I only said that water would stop the "Treatment" and did not detail how the water was to be applied. As Max ran to the bathroom to get in the tub, I realized that I forgot to tell him he had to take off his clothes before getting in the water. Max, of course, knew the mistake I had made and as he ran to the bathroom his looked over his shoulder with that look that kids get when they are just about to make you eat your words! "If your clothes get in the water the treatment won't stop! You have to take them off, or it won't work!!!" With agility that rivals that of a red-cheeked gibbon, Max slipped out of his pajamas while not missing a step and slid gently into the warm tub as the "Treatment" aburptly ended.

I peeked at the clock and this could have been a world record time that he set, getting into the tub just as the clock ticked the time I had to leave. So off to work I went while Paul could relax ever so slightly, knowing that Max would be clean and sweet smelling on this beautiful Monday in May.

Please always remember and don't ever forget: "Existentialism means that no one can take a bath for you."

Demore Schwartz