Facile Friday - My Holiday Theory

My quantum theory of the physics of the holiday season may be worthy of publication.

 

This theory has been thought out by me over decades and I believe that it is finally completed.  To start, let me throw a few technical terms at you:

Event Horizon

Space-Time Convergence

Apparent Superluminal Velocity of Holidays

First, the holidays as an event horizon may be new and somewhat controversial but I think that observed in its simplest form the theory will hold.  An event horizon refers to that point at which a gravitational pull is so great that it makes escape impossible.  If we observe holiday X from a distance of 200 days the force of attraction that we feel will be directly dependent on our distance and attitude from the object day. 

On March 1st, observation of holiday X will yield a low force of attraction because of the laisser-faire attitude of the observer and the distance of 306 days to holiday X.  Whereas, an observer with an attitude that is far more uptight, at a distance of 10 days from holiday X will experience a pull so intense that they may have to take a day or two off of work to go shopping.

Next, I want to look at the space-time convergence that is a constant in this holiday equation.  This convergence describes processes that seem to accelerate the experience of time and reduce the significance of distance during a given holiday event.  In laymen terms, “wherever  you go there you are and it’s the holiday season”  The space-time convergence is also a phenomenon that appears to be experienced across most cultures, regardless of hemisphere, time-zone, or relative* concentrations (*relative = Aunt Fannie and Uncle Morty).  We can discuss my theory of relative-ity later.

The apparent superluminal velocity of the holidays is a bit more difficult to explain and houses the lion’s share of my research over the years, but I will do my best to make it clear.

If we make an observational measurement of holiday X on July 1^st and then on October 1^st you measure it again.  Assuming that its distance from you is known, you will discover that it appears to be moving at a speed close to the speed of light.  To allow this equation to work we need to factor in the various cultural and familial degrees to which holidays are celebrated.

 Let's say that on July 1^st, the holiday is dhours from us, and that between July 1^st and October 1^st, the holiday has moved dhours closer to us.  You have assumed that the holiday you measured on July 1^st and October 1^st was emitting its pull equally over that period of time.  Not so.  When you measured the holiday in July, Aunt Fannie and Uncle Morty had not registered the holiday in their space-time radar yet, but as soon as they did, in late September, the holiday began to approach at a much more acute angle (45 degrees in our case) and this needs to be factored into the equation to show a more accurate movement.  In this case the holiday can now be measured at a speed far faster than the speed of light, as it will still arrive at the same time and to do so must now travel further due to the increase in degree of familial intentionality.

As the holidays creep closer think of this theory and remember that this is the way of the holidays and even though we can now explain it and apply an equation, the perceptions will remain the same.  For some it will be utter panic, for others it may be calm resignation, humorous optimism or loving denile.  Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum of holiday enjoyment, please always remember and don’t ever forget:

Wherever you go, there you are and it’s the holiday season!

 

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