Good Gosh Almighty!

So here I am sitting peacefully in my big comfy chair, minding my own business when I get slammed!  Was it my sweet, karate trained son looking for a physical challenge?  Was my hound dog looking for me to play tug of war?  Did someone break into the house and try to roust me for my jewels?

No, it was none of those things.  It was, in fact, the thought that my first and only child, the fruit of my loins (I have always wanted to use that in an actual sentence), turned 6 years old on the Autumnal Equinox.  I tried to recall what has transpired over the last 6 years and discovered that he has aged far too quickly.  Maybe he lives in dog years?  I just don't get it!

The last thing that I remember was passing out in the delivery room during my c-section, when the anesthetic wore off and waking to a newborn monkey.  Do you know this story?  Contractions, blah, blah, blah, scalpel, blah, blah, blah, lots of morphine and an other worldly haze, then they handed me my child.  I would like to appeal to the medical establishment to take more time to assess the mental stability of the new mother prior to offering up an infant covered in dark hair.  Just a suggestion.  Through my haze, I saw what appeared to be a monkey.  He was cute, as baby chimps often are, but there must have been a mistake.  "It's a monkey."  I cried, tears streaming down my face.

About 10 hours later, I awoke, just barely, from my drug induced drool state and wanted to see my child.  I called the nurse on that handy dandy little button, and she arrived quickly.  The next thing I knew I was fighting off that nurse, who insisted that I needed more morphine.  "No, I am fine without it!"  "Mam, the drugs are here to help you."  "I get that but I don't need it."  My pleading was in vain, as she defiantly pushed the other little button that made the machine ping and my haze return.  It was only when I removed the IV tubing that I was no longer subjected to "the help" that I didn't need.  I just chuckled to myself, picturing Monty Python doing a skit where the nurse comes in and is continually making the pleading patient pass out.  Maybe as the patient wrestles with her for the button...ping......and the patient is out again.  Funny to me anyway.  Did I mention that I finally saw my son and was relieved to see that he was indeed human.

Over the next 5+ years, even though I begged him to stop, Max continued to grow!  To this day, he just laughs at me when I ask him to put the growing on the back burner for a while, he seriously grows way too much.  It can't be good for him!  Too much of a good thing and all.  I really just want his clothes to last for longer than 3-5 months.  Call me frugal.

Now he is 6 and I feel like I only aged a year at most.  A very scientific person told me once that times flies as we age because it is a smaller percentage of our lives.  So I broke out the calculator.

Max's equation was easy:  This last year was 1/5th of his entire existence.  No wonder the summer lasts forever when you are young.  He has only been alive for 2190 days and a school schedule summer is about 104 days.

My equation was a bit more complicated and I am not sure how I arrived at the answer but I believe Pi was involved.  This year is 1/45th of my life on the planet.  I have been around for 16,425 days, give or take.  Just for future reference, I prefer Take, away, far away.

My cute little, thought he was a monkey, infant has morphed into a smart, funny, back-talking, weed growing (I suppose I should say growing like a weed so as not to have the FBI bust down my front door), karate kickin', wheelie poppin', won't clean his room, Johnny Cash loving, person!  Yup, I said person.  Am I the only one who quivers when a child is categorized as an actual person?

That!  Is what attacked me in my comfy chair!  I call that sneaky and underhanded.  I will never admit that I am old or older than I was!  I am as old as I feel in my head, or the dark recesses of my big toe.  My younger brother has arthritis in his big toe.  I wonder how old he feels?  Hmmmmm.

Please always remember and don't ever forget:

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"  Satchel Paige