The F-Word

Once you have a child you coo and goo at them and you realize that they hear what you're saying but, like your favorite loyal hound dog, don't really get much but the inflection out of it.   

"Oh you are such a grimey pooch!  Yes you are!"  This is what I say to my dog in the highest pitch voice that I can and he wags his tail and runs around like I am telling him that they are building a rawhide factory next door.  Kids are different, in that they grow up and become aware and logical beings.  I am not saying that I'm not glad that my son has grown and matured but now I can't use any of the old tricks that would allow me to speak frankly without him understanding.

The Pig-Latin Trick - "Hey-bay Pab-ball.  Leb-ets  geb-et  ib-ice  creeb-beam  toob-boo  nyb-ite!"  I happen to love this!  It is just really fun to talk that way but it was a real score in secretive communication in the open.

Mouthing Words Silently - This is a great one if I am with another female.  I don't want to lump all men together, but I have not met any men who are good at this unless it is with another male of the species. 

Spelling - I like this one but some people need to carry a pen and paper around to know what you are trying to say.  W-H-O-O-P-I-E   L-A-T-E-R?  Huh?

Sign language - Another really good one but I notice that this one is also in the rhelm of the females.  There are pleanty of men who know sign language but I am not talking interperaters, I am talking about the casual signer.  You know what I am talking about, you see them in malls and on public tranportation, the girls who use sign language to communicate freely without others knowing what is going on.  We did it in grade school and it irritated all of the boys.  All they had to do was get the book out of the library and learn it themselves.  Funny huh?



Mylanta Classic - Yum

 We really only used 2 of these and only on occasion.  We did however, try to use nonsense explatives.  I worked with a manager once who was a cool guy and a mormon.  All that meant to me was that he was offended if I swore, not freakishly offended, but intellectually offended.  "Can't you think of a better word to express yourself?  You have the entire english language to choose from."  I couldn't really think of anything better, but it became a quest for me to find the perfect non-offensive expletive that would stick.  I found my cuss word in a popular antacid.  I discovered it by smashing a ladder into my leg at work and feeling the need to swear, alas my manager was right there.  I looked around wincing in pain and saw a bottle of Mylanta and the term was born..."Holy Mylanta! I cracked myself bad!"  I got a raise after that and then it went national.  Oh yes it did!!  There on the national news in the mid-1990's a woman uttered my swear word to a national audience.  My friends and I celebrated, and some of them cursed me for making mylanta a word that they used to describe anything but over-the-counter medications.

Flash forward 15 years, and I come home from work to my family and the love and greetings are overwhelming, as usual.  "Hey mom."  It always starts the same way.  "Yes, Max"  Max walks over and is hugging my waist.  "I know all of the bad words."  My stomach began to drop into my knees but then I remembered that he is 6 yrs old and they usually don't know what they are talking about.  "Oh Yea? What are they?" 



Dagnabit

 "The C-word is CRAP.  The D-word is DAGNABIT. The S-word is STUPID. and the ???  What is the F-word?"

My answer: "I can't tell you that you are only 6!"  He begged and pleaded and swore that he wouldn't say it.  "OK, but keep it to yourself...FARFEGNUGEN."

2 minutes later, as expected, Max was running around the room yelling at the top of his lungs......

STUPID....CRAP....DAGNABIT...FARFEGNUGEN!!!!!

On his new blackboard wall in his room he wrote.....

STUPID....CRAP....DAGNABIT...FARFEGNUGEN!!!!!


And he drew a cartoon of a person getting mad at another person and yelling.....

STUPID....CRAP....DAGNABIT...FARFEGNUGEN!!!!!


All that I can say is, I hope that he doesn't get picked on because he thinks farfegnugen is the F-Word.
Please always remember and don't ever forget:

“There ought to be a room in every house to swear in”

Mark Twain





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