Recently, my dad told me about His noodly appendage. Well, actually it isn't his (my dad's) noodly appendage but the appendage of "Him". You may know of "Him" if you are a practicing Pastafarian.
It's OK, you can read it again to clarify what you just saw. Done? Great. Yes, Pastafarian. "What the heck is a Pastafarian, we ask you Monkey Queen"?
I am so glad that you asked. It all started hundreds of years ago under a dark vail of secrecy and until May of 2005 when the Kansas Board of Education was pushing to have Intelligent Design theory taught as an alternative to Evolution in the public schools, the Pastafarian way was unknown to most. Profit Bobby Henderson wrote a letter that exposed the secretive church, it's history and it's beliefs. Now the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) has risen from the depths of darkness into the light of day, where it can be seen sharing it's message with the world through it's gospel and it's followers.
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| Ancient FSM Cave Drawings |
Like many other religions, FSM has a long history written in a book or gospel
and it includes the story of Mosey the Pirate and his return from Mount Salsa with the 10 stone tablets. Alas, Mosey dropped two of them and so Pastafarians have only 8 "I really rather you didn'ts" by which to create their moral standards. I have listed the 8 "I really rather you didn'ts" below.1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go f#&$ yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
Ending poverty
Curing diseases
Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
There are a few points other points that I think are significant enough to highlight;
1. It is unquestionably the most peaceful religion in the world. No wars have ever been started in defense of their God.
2. There has never been a recorded death attributed to the FSM.
3. Pastafarians have perfected genuflection in a way that no others have.
The Pastafarian gesture of worship. While mainly a ritualistic practice, this gesture remains the most powerful yet passive means by which the faithful may deflect the evil influence of science and logic. When confronted by a challenger to the faith, a correctly-executed genuflection will weaken the attacker's resolve to the point that they are obliged to give up their side of the argument and retreat.
HOW TO GENUFLECT:
STEP 1: Bow thy head
STEP 2: Close thy eyes
STEP 3: Place thy palms of the hands firmly over thy ears.
STEP 4: Sing "Lalalalalalalala!" in loud monotone
So when you are surfing the net or in the library, look for those tidbits that may, in some way, expand your horizon, knowledge, happiness, or ability to laugh. Come on, who doesn't love a good complex-carbohydrate omniscient being?
2 comments:
That spagetti and meatballs meal looks awesome! I'm so hungry right now.
Have you been touched by His noodly appendage? I think so.
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